In My Head
I was never really happy. I don't know why. I am pretty normal, I have a Mom and a Dad, siblings. (5 of them, and I am the oldest) I have a house to live in, shelter, I have some ''friends.'' But I don't feel very good. I have no clue why. I would'nt trade my life with anybody because I guess that is the way I was raised. Ever since I was little I have not been that very happy. I was normal, I liked pink, baby dolls, and dresses. Then I went a totally different direction. My favorite color is black and I like nothing girly, I HATE DRESSES AND SKIRTS. I lock myself in my room and try not to cry. When I was little I hated alot of things, I don't remember very much about when I was little. The only thing that kept me happy was my pet cat. My pet cat was always ''there'' for me. She would answer me when I called her and she always acted the way she ''felt.'' (When I was sad she would nuzzle me and whan I was happy she would wag her tail. But I guess all of this sadness welled up and finally came out when my Dad ''got rid of her'' I have no clue where she went or what happened to her-I know she went to the animal shelter- but I came home shopping with Mom and I want into the basement to feed her, but she was gone. Just like that. Gone. No ''good-byes'' no nothing. That is when I started to act differently, I shut myself out of the world, I was young. I think of when I was younger and had to ride the bus, (I still do) I sat alone. It was a long bus ride, I would sit alone and just sit there listening to the soft chatter among the people. I was so depressed. I did well I school but I did poor in making friends. No thet I am older I do have some ''friends'' I don't know if they are real friends or no because they don't belive me when I say something, they judge me, whitch to me is the most painful, and they will tell everybody my secrets if I told them. They are not real friends they are fake ones and I still hang out with them. I miss my cat! ( Not to mention that my cat was found under a tree with no mama and was starving to death, so we took her in our first cat, she was the only cat-or pet-I have ever had) I hurt constantly every day, I love drawing and I am pretty good at it, but nobody else in my family thinks so, my Dad looks at me in a funny way when I show him a picture, my sisters laugh or scream, my Mom just smiles her fake smile. My sister likes to draw to and we are constanly drawing, so one time I was making a story one a bird who was alone and my Grandma read it and she said it was excellent, but needed a picture with it. I shrugged. You could get your siste to draw it she said, she's a good drawer. I frowned and like every other time I slept on it.Every little remark hurts, EVERY remark. All I ever wanted since I was 7 was my own room and my parents are cleaning out room (the basement to be more accurate) and I am got it as my room, but nobody said I had to share it! Yah, you may not get the whole shareing thing but I HATE sharing, because I share all the time. So sharing a room was not something I was heppy to learn about, so I took a hot shower and again slept it off. Depression is a true pain in the rumpus, and I is not just sadness it is emptyness, holowness, sorrow, solumness, anger, all the bad emotions, the ones that bug you in the back of your head sometimes. Those. And whild you smile and hide your emotions, you hate yourself, and you don't know why. (I hid my emotions so much not even my parents know how sad I am) Depression is ust another word for the prase ''you are dying inside''. So I still am depressed and I want to get my sorry a$$ of this bed and get on with my life and be happy but it hurts to bad to even move. Every day I get the same smiles the same laughs and I keep my own on, because nobody stopped to ask how I feel, I just want a friend like my old cat. While some of you may not understand my bong with her, I don't know what to tell you it was something great!Depression hurts, so those of you who have not experienced it, you can't begin to fell it, and you don't want to.
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