Lonely Life

I asked myself, “is this all that life has to offer?” Life is very lonely, I thought as I sat in my living room, which is ironic to me because from the time I moved in my living room always seemed empty and lonely, so why was I still sitting there in the lonely living room? I ask myself questions like that all the time, but I can’t answer them.

I am 27 years old, I have a boyfriend that I have been with for the past seven years and we rent a home in a small community that can be considered a tourist community. We moved here over a year ago and I still feel like I don’t belong, but as you will see I hardly ever feel like I belong, is that just life? Does everyone feel this way?

My boyfriend, or we can call him my fiancé however he purposed over 6 years ago so I like to refer to him as my boyfriend, it saves time explaining when they ask about the wedding date, or how he purposed. We will get married sooner or later, but sometimes I feel like if we do get married will that be a mistake? We do fight a lot, and I am unhappy most of the time, but could that be normal? Does everyone feel this way?

I would like to have children, I think about it all the time. I’m pretty sure I want children so I can feel the love that I desperately want to feel from someone. Children will love you forever, and you will always know that they love you, but with your significant other you’re never really sure, you would like to think they love you all the time but in reality you’re never really one hundred percent sure, are you?

I feel alone even when I’m not, something is lacking in my life and I don’t know what it is. How do people live thinking about all this stuff? Do they think about this stuff? Am I crazy for thinking soo much about this stuff?

I look at other people’s life, and I don’t think that I found one person that has a great life. I can always find sadness and anger everywhere, no one is happy, and if they are it never last long. Sure you will be happy when you get married, but what happens when you disagree with them over something? And sure you will be happy the moment you see your child for the first time, but what happens when you’re fighting with your boyfriend over helping out more? Everything leads to sadness, loneliness and anger.

I thought about these types of things all the time, and I wondered if I was the only one? Sure I could find people on line that somewhat think this way, but would I know for sure? I decided to be what they call ‘fake’, I will pretend to everyone that everything is ok...but is life worth this stress? Is there any happiness ever? If so I never felt it yet in my 27 years on this earth. I’ll never have anything good, I will never have children, and I will never feel loved by my boyfriend. These are things that I tried to change for years but it doesn’t ever change, so I will be “fake”, and pretend that everything is great all the time.

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