QUIXOTIC - Chapter 3

Days go on and nothing changed. Suddenly, a thought of something got to me. "All these times and I have done nothing about my situation. What if I do something about it?" I asked myself knowing I need to stand up for myself.

“My love, all this time I have never stood up for myself. There has never been a time I don't get in a fight. I want the both of us to get out this hell hole.” I said with a small tear falling down my cheek. She wiped off the tear and said "It’s a tough world out there. It’s cruel and unfair. I have everything I want right here with you and me. The struggles of working your way out there is not going to be easy. Don't you think what we have is enough?" She told me. I stopped and stared at her, then reached for her forehead and kissed her and went to sleep.

It’s days like these that keep my mind occupied to ponder on every word she said and make decisions. Should I confront my enemies or let life take place like every other repetitive day. Tomorrow, it is time I make a stand for myself.

"Good morning! Welcome to another beautiful day in Colony 22. One of the best cities in the north west regi-" the sound of the loudspeaker fades to silence. Sometimes I just block out the noise and do about my work. I make my daily runs to the junkyard to scavenge parts again. I know I will be in the same situation. A few hours pass and I make my way back to the shop. The gangsters wait for me at the same spot. This will be my stand. “My friend!” he says waving a gun and with an evil grin on his face. He has a blade on his arm which he can automatically sheath in and out. “What you got for us today? Any parts for us?” he said nodding to his gang behind him. “It’s common scrap. It’s not worth the effort.” I say as I slowly pull an old rusted blade out from my sack. “Woah woah woah..we don’t want any problem here! By the way, how’s your wound doing? Perhaps you should let it heal for another time.” he slowly backs off making space for me to walk pass. I slowly walk away holding the rusted blade tight in my hand. I reach the shop and take deep breath of relief. This is the first time I have ever made a stand.

Work’s the usual every day, I stopped getting robbed or bullied from the gangsters but I still get looked at weirdly. I still feel sad and emptiness all the time. I question my own confidence and my own reality. Something wasn't right. I still feel pain every day and I see cuts at different places of my body occasionally which appear and disappear. "It just trauma my love. That was all over. You stood your ground and you stopped getting bullied. What you feel were just bits of memories from the past. The doctor told me that when you had your operation." my love told me as she comforted me by patting my shoulder.

Some days I just feel so much pain and anger. It feels like my body is filled with rage. The pain of being so deprived from the lack of affection and joys of life. Being looked at like I’m some sort of outcast or being looked down on. The feeling that no one understands. I don’t know how to express myself and I don’t know how long I can take it. I’m sick of living with the thought that I will never find out who I really am and what my purpose is. Why I am born in this world full of hatred and unfairness. Living and repeating the same reality day by day is as good as not living at all. I go to work and back with no fights. No story for my love. What then could I have for a conversation? Maybe I could tell her about the new wound on my arm I saw for a few seconds which disappeared. These same 'flashbacks' I have reappear and disappear at the same spot I've seen before. "Oh well, I guess it’s still more interesting then what's on the news now about people dying colony 4 from the latest enforcer bots. What's new." I told myself as I was walking home from work. Am I just a lonely person with no identity? Just my pain and my love. It’s not as if I am asking for these fights. It’s just that non of it felt real. Like some things never changed.

I’d do anything to feel good for a moment. In moments of distress, you would be desperate for any hook for a sense happiness even if it was a bait to your death. That deep feeling of despair will pull you under so far, the light at the end of the tunnel is just too far to reach. You’re trapped in a room with your screams bouncing off every wall and hit back at you. It makes you feel desperate to take the bait since you have nothing to lose.

She tried saving me countless times when I lost myself. The abuse in this relationship are the physical cuts and stabs I have done to myself, trying to end my own life. A couple of weeks ago I woke up completely spaced out on the bathroom floor. After a few seconds of intense pressure and pain build up in my torso, there was a sudden spike of pain in my head and I instantly blacked out. I was having seizures but I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I couldn’t remember much other than my love calling paramedics. Her eyes were so puffed up with tears like she thought she lost me for good while begging for mercy to whichever saviour existed above only because of desperation and no one else to call for help.

People from the under cities sell consumables or devices that can end your life in an instant. With my thoughts of trying to stay alive and dying, I can’t decide if it was a mistake for my love to save me or not. These thoughts in my head keep me going back and forth deciding if I should try another attempt. I don’t want to die, but I just don’t want to feel the pain. If I could program to shut down my life painlessly, I would, but I am a human and it is my instinct to survive.
Day after day I lose the fight to resist my urge to attempt another round of ending myself. This time I heard of another least painful way. I heard of a technique that can make you believe another reality or something like that. All my thoughts are clouded and I don’t know what is real anymore, or if I am, even real.

Author Notes: Thank you for reading Chapter 3 of Quixotic! Any types of feedback or comments are much appreciated. I will release more chapters soon :)

Longer description

QUIXOTIC is a story of a man who lives in the 30th century when technology is so advanced that humans and robots, AI live among each other as a natural state of the population. Despite living in an advanced world, he still faces the struggles of being an outcast, getting bullied and lives a low life. The only thing meaningful to him is his lover who is with him no matter what. After years of being lonely and depressed, he finally loses his tolerance level and does something which changes his life. What will he discover?

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