United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Your writing style makes reading parts of your story awkward and uncomfortable. The mixture of straightforward English and the more 'flowery' descriptions clash unpleasantly in places, which does not make for an entertaining read.
I was also somewhat puzzled by the rather confusing opening to your story, with the choppy incomplete thoughts and ideas. Okay, you got to your point eventually, but in such a roundabout way that it left me puzzled as to why you chose that way of doing it? Why not just tell the story 'straight'?
This is a good story (I would perhaps have submitted it in two parts, though) with some good parts and some rather out-of-place language and descriptions. I look forward to reading more from you :-)
A good story well told... although your 'brief' introduction took away some of the suspense. The idea of that section to give a general idea of your story in JUST A FEW WORDS, not explain what is coming in detail.
I would also suggest that with a piece this long that you submit it as two of three parts. It is unlikely that many people will make the effort - or even have the time - to spend reading such a long story in one sitting, whereas they will more likely read it in 'bite-size' chunks.
Overall, though, an interesting and entertaining effort.
As presented this story is 'okay'. However, with some work and a lot more detail in places it could be a very good story. Some of the 'action sequences' are too brief and skirted-over rather than explained, for example.
You have a good imagination, which is the one thing that comes across clearly in your story. More practice will improve your writing skills, as will reading works by similar authors. Good stuff! :-)
As mentioned to you in private, the sheer length of this piece is daunting and will most certainly put-off a lot of people.
There are other issues, too: some of the language is flowery in the extreme, to the point of being almost unintelligible. I understand what you were trying to do, but you need to bear in mind that not everyone will 'go with you' on your literary journey.
The over-use of italics, too, is annoying - and goes against the site's Submission Guidelines. It's annoying and, to my mind, somewhat pretentious. Have you ever read a book where about two-thirds of the text was written in an entirely different font to the rest of the story?
You ARE a good writer, but this effort in its present form is not your finest hour.
Another piece that was unnecessary to read due to the lengthy 'brief' description of the piece you gave!
'Brief' means in a few words, not a full detailed description of what is to follow. Please try to remember that with future submissions.
This is good :-)
Just a simple thing to note: if you're going to leave dots at the end of a sentence the norm is to leave three...
Overall, a really good effort.
Your poem title conflicts with the actual poem: how can you describe something "indescribable"?
Again, as mentioned before, some of your rhymes are forced: "And his cute little chin/Which is smaller than the head of the pin" is simply ridiculous and negates the whole poem. There are other lines, too, that are equally as dubious...
I admire the fact you try. If you take on board the advice you are given your writing will certainly improve. Keep practicing! :-)
What a pity you spoiled an otherwise engaging story with this out-of-place line:
"Vaishnav! You good for nothing twat! I'm trying to teach an important derivation here!"
Surely your vocabulary could have come up with something less jarring and offensive than the word 'twat'? It's not the word I object to, more its use in this piece. You write so well - almost poetically at times - yet throw in this crudity without rhyme or reason. It does nothing for the story and certainly does not reflect well on you as a writer.
Regrettably it is this I will remember most about your story rather than the more important (and interesting) point you were trying to make.