Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Not quite sure what to make of either of these vignettes. Both if them could do with expanding in to proper, 100-word micro fiction tales. Alternately they would benefit from further work. As they stand, they are largely pointless I'm afraid... :-(

Leaving aside the fact that - again - this is NOT a story, what you have offered us need editing to make it more palatable to read. It is a solid block of text, which is not nice to try to plow through. In addition you have ignored the submission guidelines with regard to using numerals in your work. It is not good practice to do so and should be avoided.

As I have said before, you write well. I just wish you would turn your skills to something more interesting and entertaining. You are wasting your time with this sort of stuff, really.

To be perfectly honest this is not one of your better stories. It is far too short to satisfactorily cover the scope of your idea, which gives it a rushed, clumsy feel.

I understand the very personal nature of this poem. Unfortunately the way you have written it is so 'jumpy' and clunky it just does not flow properly. This makes it a difficult poem to read but - and far more importantly - the message you were trying to put across is completely lost.

In it's present layout it does not really work. This is not your finest hour :- ( I would suggest that you look at it again and re-work the poem into a more reader-friendly version.

Well, haven't we been here before?

There is no STRUCTURE to you story; no PLOT, no characterisation to speak of, no sense of purpose or meaning. It reads like a draft excerpt of something else you might have been working on. What is ISN'T is a proper story, far from it. Even the title makes no sense as it appears to have no relevance to the 'story'.

I will concede that you do at least appear to have taken a little more care with your spelling. I didn't notice as many errors as in previous works, so well done for that.

If you want to be taken seriously - at least, have your work taken seriously - you need to undergo a major attitude adjustment! For a young girl your language is atrocious!! Also, the 'don't give a toss' impression you give out is not exactly endearing.

As regards your story: yes, there are some good elements to it. However the grammar and spelling errors are inexcusable given the facilities on your computer that will highlight them for you IF you bother to use them. Overall, a disappointing effort as, had YOU made the effort to work on it, the story could (and would) have been so much better.

To be honest your 'story' is not yet a story at all. There seems to be very little point to the thing. You've managed to say almost nothing in 256 words, so what was the point? There are barely enough words here to truly engage your reader. Short so-called chapters like this are a waste of time. Why not wait until you have a significant amount of work ready to submit instead of messing around like this?

I KNOW this is harsh, but it needs to be. In spite of my criticisms above you DO have a nice writing style. The problem is that you're wasting it on nonsense like this. If you are going to write a story then GIVE us a story, not this sort of fluff. You are better than this effort, I'm sure of it.

BTW: try to not give quite so much info in your intro to your work. You almost tell the whole story, which is not the idea. The key word in that section is BRIEF.

As a 'poem', this just doesn't work.

As a flash-fiction piece it would work perfectly (with a little reworking).