United States • 23 y/o • FemaleReviews Given
This was super satisfying to read. I really love the rhetoric, the message, and the whole general feel of it. Thanks for sharing!
I absolutely love this story! It's so soulfully written and beautiful to imagine. I love the way that you use repetition throughout the story. It's wonderfully done.
So, while this may have some unique elements to it from the original, this is almost definitely not a poem your brother wrote himself. It was probably an assignment, or just something he thought was cool.
This was very well written! I liked the rhythm of it, and I liked some of the devices you used to convey your message.
My main recommendation would be perhaps going back through and switching up some word order or choice to make the rhythm and meter more smooth and consistent. A couple of examples/suggestions are changing "There once was a murder" for "Once there was a murder", and "Just like most murders" for something like "Just as in most murders" or "Like any other murder".
All in all, great work! I hope that you didn't draw too much from personal experience to write this.
I like the way you tease at there being more to the story than what you show without making it too confusing to keep up with.
I don't really know what to say, except that I love this.
I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this. I loved the characters and the way you wrote the whole scene. It was quite delightful!
I thought that this was pretty good. I liked the short stanzas, and I liked the feel of it. One suggestion I would make is in regards to one particular stanza where the last word in one line is "could" and the first word in the next line is "be". I would move the word "could" to the beginning of the first line. This would make it feel like each line is more of a complete idea on its own, and it would help them match the other lines more fluidly. Other than that, good work!